Tired

Work, work, work, work... Burying myself in work and I'm kinda wearing myself out. I seriously need a day off.

Grrrr!!!

Break ups are hard... especially when you don't have closure... I feel like an angry lesbian... I need to take back the night... A rape victim who's been sitting on anger and now wants to extract vengance... Like Jodie Foster in the horrible movie she did last year... or J.Lo in "Enough"

D.I.Y.

This song tears me up...

Airships - VNV Nation

I pressed my face against the glass,

smiled as my breath made some pattern or other

The world beneath unfurled before me like a sail,

glinted in gold from this rich dawn sky

Awaiting the ship they had told me would come,

quietly anticipating that which was to come

I couldn't yet see you. Still obscured by the city

A towers of glass reflected your coming

Silhouetted on the sunrise

Did I blink as I watched? Did I close my eyes?

I was not alone, I think it was the first time

Watching you rise splendid and graceful,

I cheered as you sailed, a greatness unknown

I laughed as I waved and imagined you saw meIn the streets of the city, the windows of buildings,

a million faces gazing upwards in wonder

A million faces together and cheering and smiling

You were the warmth of their hearts, you were the sum of their dreams

In the coldness of morning you brought warmth to their lives

giving this feeling of wonder I could not imagine

You unlocking these thoughts no book and no picture could ever convey

This feeling and morning had opened a door.

I stepped into a new world I watched you flySaw you as a friend, the spirit of dreams

I imagined a new world, lands far away,

imagined those faces as you hung in their sky

I'm leaving ground stepping into a new world.

I'm leaving ground, a new world. And watching you fly

I stepped into, I stepped into a new world

I was not alone, I think it was the first time

I'm leaving ground, stepping into a new worldI'm leaving ground, stepping into a new world

Now I'm leaving home, leaving everything

I step into this new world leaving everything

I'm leaving ground, stepping into a new world

I'm leaving ground, stepping into a new world

Now I'm leaving home, leaving everything that I have ever known

I step into this new world leaving everything

Leaving everything, leaving everything.

Monday, August 18th...

After work I went to visit my mom for our weekly dinner and chat - we're working on improving our relationship. I finally opened up to her about what transpired between him and I, and I advised her that I was dealing much better with it now than I was a month ago. As usual, any time I share personal situations with my mom, she ties it to something that she experienced in her life at some point. Sometimes her stories serve a purpose, other times they just become a way for her to process past events she has yet to deal with. The whole thing is very Iyanla Vanzant meets Dr. Nancy Alvarez. Joking aside, it was a very cathartic interaction.

On my way home I decided to drop by my P.O.B and check mail - keeping my fingers crossed that my delayed Netflix had arrived. I reached into the box and pulled out all contents, Netflix, Bank of America statement, and a letter from the NYC Department of Finance (very odd).

I immediately opened up the letter to find out that it was a Notice of Impending Default Judgement on an unpaid parking ticket. I was all too knowledgeable of what this was.

It's flashback time...

On June 3rd, he borrowed the car to meet up his relatives for dinner. I told him if I needed the car, I would call the next morning and pick it up. Around 10am, on June 4th, I called and voicedmailed him that I needed to pick up the car so that I could run some errands with my mom. He called me back shortly there after and told me that there was some work being done from his apartment and he would call me from his mother's house. I never got a call back. I went about my business and ran the errands with my mom. I called again (voicemail) around 3p and inquired about the car. He told me that he was in the city. I advised him that I needed the car because I have not completed all errands I had planned due to not having the car. I asked that he bring the car to me at 7p. 

I was given the car back promptly at 7p. On my way to my mom's curiosity got the best of me and I started browsing through the Garmin. I came across some very questionable addresses which included locations in Brooklyn, Inwood, Bronx and Manhattan - places he'd never mentioned. Perhaps my mistake was not questioning these addresses immediately. Instead I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him.

About a week later I found a slip of paper in the driver's side door, which contained information for the NYC Department of Finance, the phone number to Pier 76, and an amount for $185. I knew immediately what that dollar amount represented. If any of you have ever had your car towed in NYC, you know the heavy personal and financial burden incurred.

I sat on this information up until this past Monday.

Flash forward...

I was enraged. Just when I thought I was making some headway, moving on, slowly achieving a sense of closure, I allowed this letter to pull me back. As always, I reached out to my closest gays and hags, and inqured about the best course of action. The consensus was that he should be the one to pay. I thought about mailing him a copy of the letter asking that it be paid. Then I thought if he hasn't paid for it since, what's to say he's gonna pay for it now?

I called.

I tried my best to be as calm and level headed as possible, but the more I spoke the angrier I became. I informed him that the particular day in question was the day I needed the car, and not once did he have the decency to tell me exactly where my car was. I also told him that I had known about this situation since a week after it happened, when I could the slip of paper in the car. I challenged him (using the word "fuck") to explain to me why he didn't tell me about this. If he paid the tow and got my car back why couldn't he just have said, "Hey the car got towed I took care of it." Unfortunately, he chose to keep it from me. I blasted (used "fuck" again) him on the fact that if he kept this from me I can't even begin to think what else ("fuck") he's kept from me.

Once again I apologized for kicking him out in the manner in which I did (I know I need to stop apologizing!). And I also mentioned the reason why I chose to do what I did was to protect myself from getting hurt, and keeping something like this from me partially validated my actions.

Yesterday I received a voicemail from him. This was the first time I'd heard his voice since June 16th. It was painful to hear it. He explained that he thought he had taken care of the ticket and that he was going to take care of it. In respect to everything else, he said he was still pissed off about me kicking him out, and what has happened after that day just makes things all the more difficult. He said he was dealing with it and moving on. He also explained what happened June 4th. Apparently, after dinner with his family he went out with a co-worker, got fucked up and left the car in the city. They decided it would be best to leave the car and come back in the morning to get it. When he returned the next morning, the car had been towed.

Part of me really wants to believe that's exactly what happened. 

I am angry. I am hurt. I feel empty and my sense of trust is so beyond fucked up at this point. I have not felt this way in almost 13 years - my first failed relationship. Every other relationship since my first I have been able to process a separation/breakup much more smoothly. Unfortunately, this one is different. 

"This too shall pass mentality" is not quite working for me at this point.

I placed too much emphasis and faith on this one, unlike any other. I didn't realize I had done so until everything fell apart.

On top of all this b.s. what gets to me is that it seems as though every time I take a step forward, the past somehow comes back to bite me in the ass. What the hell does this all mean? 

2 months later...

Sitting in the living room, on a bright and sunny Sunday afternoon, watching Jon and Kate Plus 8. 

It's been 2 months now, nothing has changed. Except maybe for me...

Desiderata

"Desiderata" latin for "desired things", is an inspirational prose poem about attaining happiness in life. I read it 2x a day - beginning and end of my day.

Desiderata

Max  Erhmann, 1927

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons. 

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, 

even to the dull and the ignorant; 

they too have their story. 

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, 

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. 

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 

many persons strive for high ideals, 

and everywhere life is full of heroism. 

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love, 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth. 

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe 

no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here. 

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be. 

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Yeh' I know...

my post sometimes make me wanna slit my wrists too. anyways, i'll be tweaking the direction my blog has taken of late... get ready for "indifferent manny!"

falling in love

when it comes to love you need not fall but rather surrender. surrender to the idea that you must love yourself before you can love another. you must trust yourself before you can absolutely trust another and most importantly you must accept your flaws before you can accept the flaws of another. - philosophy cosmetics

great quote, and hard to believe it comes from a bath & body retail brand.

I just move on...

While truckin' down 

The road of life

Although all hope seems gone...

I just move on

Catherine Zeta Jones - Chicago

The last couple of weeks haven't been easy. Easier than previous weeks perhaps, but certainly not easy. Over the last couple of weeks I've been working on reaching some sense closure. It's rather hard to close a chapter of your life, that to an extent is still open. Am I in denial? Reluctant? Okay I guess I should backtrack and give you background.

I have not seen him since I dropped him off. Texting has become our sole mode of communication. I have called several times, only to be greeted by Sprint's Voicemail System. Voicemail replies have always been in the form of text. Sometimes my texts are replied, sometimes they're not. An invitation to dinner has been partially answered - never fulfilled.

I fully understand everyone processes emotional hardships differently. Unfortunately, it's a bit hard for me to accept how emotionally/physically distant he has become. How reluctant he is to address the situation. I guess because I'm comparing him to me, and how I'm handling the situation. Maybe it's not comparing so much as projecting. Help me out here people. Which one is it? Comparing or projecting?

Anyways, this week has been about moving on. Taking small steps towards accepting the fact that things are as they are. I've done my part. I've reached out. As most of my friends have said, "You've done enough!" Something I've been shouting to myself lately. 

I have done enough. I have been through enough. In 30 days I've lost a little over 30lbs. Great for getting back in shape, bad for such rapid weight loss. Trust me through this whole ordeal I've done nothing but eat. Unfortunately, everyone process emotional hardships differently - this is part of my way. I've cried more than I've done in previous failed relationships. I've endured 6 anxiety attacks - 3 at work, 2 at home, a mild one in public. Then, there were the dark days, when I didn't want to leave the house. 

Fortunately, throughout all this, I've had a tiny little light of hope. That as the time passed, things would get a little easier. I love and respect myself far too much to let life's curve balls knock me down for good. You just have to get right back up, and just move on...