Coming (Home)...

So I'm almost completely settled in the (old)new digs. I'll post pics soon.

The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo

Every single episode of the Golden Girls is unique in their own way. One of the standout episodes, in my eyes, is "The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo." In this episode while Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche sit around and feel like their lives are boring, Sophia goes out and fights with the grocery store over a peach, conducts a jazz band made up of old ladies, and volunteers at the hospital. This particular episode aired on October 22nd, 1988 (Season 4, Episode 2). It was one of the most complete episodes, with some of the best one liners delivered by Estelle.

[Sophia is asking a store clerk for help in choosing the perfect nectarine]
Clerk: ...I never saw a more perfect piece of fruit.
Sophia Petrillo: No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!

Estelle won an Emmy that year for the previous season, and was nominated again in 1989. If I'm not mistaken, she submitted this particular episode for Emmy contention. Though she was not honored with an Emmy -she once again challenged the Hollywood status quo as an actress, and in the episode she challenged society's status quo. During the show's span Estelle was nominated for 6 consecutive Emmys from 1986-92.

I knew the day would come, when one by one my girls would cross over... Estelle you're the first... There are no words to describe the loss...

Here are the final 5 minutes of "The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo." Let us remember "Maaaaaa!"

A Letter to You...

Hello,

There's no better way to begin this letter than to say... Tell me... Tell me about that day... When I told you over the phone that I thought it would be best that you leave... What was going through your mind after we got off the phone and went back to work... When you walked into the room and found your things neatly packed and folded... What was going through your mind as you stood there, then walked over and sat on the bed...

You deserve to tell me.

I need to hear just how damaging my actions - inspired by my fears, my assumptions, my impatience, my wavering lack of communication - have been to you.

I can tell you what it's been like for me, but you must have an idea - considering the many attempts I have made to reach out to you.

Your consistent lack of response a form of punishment, which to an extent has been well deserved.

The first couple of weeks I mourned the living. Does that make sense? I've experienced the mourning of a passing loved one and I must say the latter is worse. Because I know we all eventually must take a last breath.

Knowing that you are still out there, somewhere breathing - not here, not near - has been hell.

The later weeks I found myself afraid. Afraid that I'd run into to you. I'd look for you, still do, to avoid you.

I'm afraid of, if and when, that moment comes. Will we be alone? Will we be in public? Will you be with someone? Will you face me? Will you avoid me? Will you make a scene? Will you yell at me? Will you make me feel they way you must have felt that day?

Could I possibly feel what you felt that day?

I don't think I could. We both process things differently.

I make assumptions, because I don't know. The fear of not knowing.

I find myself lately coming to terms with the possibility that I may never see you again. That the several times you've said your still dealing with "the hurt" is your way of brushing me off, hoping that eventually I'll grow tired of your responses and give up.

I can be quite persistent though.

I have also started coming to terms with the possibility or reality that maybe our time is just up.

It happens.

This could just be a bump on the road for us, or a fork on the road.

But we won't know that until we face each other again, if that ever happens.

If we never cross paths again...

Thank You

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for hurting me.

Because of You I have learned a little bit more about myself.

I hope I have done the same for you.

I Love You,
Me

The Four Agreements

Be Impeccable With Your Word
Don't Take Things Personally
Don't Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

AIM...

Although I have posted my AIM ID for all to see, my account is set to private to weed out the fruitflies. But ya'll can Twitter me!

Maybe...

Maybe - Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses

When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you

And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then
I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice

But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

Age

A man's age is something impressive, it sums up his life: maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves. A man's age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wartime Writings 1939-1944, translated from French by Norah Purcell

Thank you, Carrie Bradshaw.

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

11 hours to go...

July 16th is nearing... 

It has been quite an emotional day for me. I've distracted myself watching SATC, and of course, just about every episode I've watched has had to something to do with Aiden-Carrie or Mr. Big-Carrie.

As I packed my things this morning, wiping the tears and snot from my face, I realized how my life has somehow come full circle. In a few days, I'll be headed back home. Not home as in a house, but home as in what is familiar to me.

This the right thing to do. And I'm hopeful that when I break the news to that certain someone, he will understand why I'm doing it. I can't be here without him. This was our place. 

Perhaps in time, and with a little bit of faith, my new place, will be our place.

Holding On

Holding On - VNV Nation

I thought the future held
a perfect place for us
That together we would learn to be
the best that we could be
In my naivity I ran
I fell and lost my way
Somehow I always end up falling over me

And one day
I woke to find
The future had no place
for me
I was unwanted in a world
that with my hands I helped build
Where once was honesty and pride
I now stand broken and alone
Just a shadow
of what I was ment to be

They say that "Time will heal"
"The truth shall set us free"
Well that depends
on what it is
that you choose to believe
In this prison made of lies
We see what it is we want to see
And find comfort in this
broken hall of dreams

Does anybody feel
the way I do?
Is there anybody out there?
Are you hearing me?

I believe in you
Will you believe in me?
Or am I alone
in this hall of dreams?

I believe in you
You believe in me
But I have no trust
in anything
Somehow I'm always
always falling over me

Somehow I'm always
I'm always falling over me

What I want...

Here is a quote from one of the most underrated movie of 2007, and quite possibly this decade. When I first heard the quote, it resonated in such a way, I simply broke down...

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it. "

SATC + GG + ABL + W = Comfort TV

Television that's helping me get through...

Sex and the City
Golden Girls
Anything But Love
Weeds

4 Days...

I haven't texted or attempted to call.

So much for writing more.

Week 3

Closure... That's what I'm working towards. Kinda hard to do when I feel like there are so many things still left to be said. Long day at work today, and I'm drained. Will write more tomorrow.

An Early Birthday Present...

On June 16th, I gave myself an early birthday present... I ended a quasi long term relationship in typical drama-nny-c form. When he came home that early Monday morning at approximately 6 a.m., he came into the room to find all his belonging neatly folded and packed in various bags. He stood there for what seemed an eternity. We exchanged words, soft-spoken, hesitant, sentences. It was a morning unlike any other. Soon after, I dropped him off at his place. I came home, curled up into what used to be our bed and cried until I passed out. This was the end of something wonderful, the beginning of uncertainty, and the middle of what soap writers would term, a back-burned storyline.

It was the biggest mistake I've made thus far.