A Letter to You...

Hello,

There's no better way to begin this letter than to say... Tell me... Tell me about that day... When I told you over the phone that I thought it would be best that you leave... What was going through your mind after we got off the phone and went back to work... When you walked into the room and found your things neatly packed and folded... What was going through your mind as you stood there, then walked over and sat on the bed...

You deserve to tell me.

I need to hear just how damaging my actions - inspired by my fears, my assumptions, my impatience, my wavering lack of communication - have been to you.

I can tell you what it's been like for me, but you must have an idea - considering the many attempts I have made to reach out to you.

Your consistent lack of response a form of punishment, which to an extent has been well deserved.

The first couple of weeks I mourned the living. Does that make sense? I've experienced the mourning of a passing loved one and I must say the latter is worse. Because I know we all eventually must take a last breath.

Knowing that you are still out there, somewhere breathing - not here, not near - has been hell.

The later weeks I found myself afraid. Afraid that I'd run into to you. I'd look for you, still do, to avoid you.

I'm afraid of, if and when, that moment comes. Will we be alone? Will we be in public? Will you be with someone? Will you face me? Will you avoid me? Will you make a scene? Will you yell at me? Will you make me feel they way you must have felt that day?

Could I possibly feel what you felt that day?

I don't think I could. We both process things differently.

I make assumptions, because I don't know. The fear of not knowing.

I find myself lately coming to terms with the possibility that I may never see you again. That the several times you've said your still dealing with "the hurt" is your way of brushing me off, hoping that eventually I'll grow tired of your responses and give up.

I can be quite persistent though.

I have also started coming to terms with the possibility or reality that maybe our time is just up.

It happens.

This could just be a bump on the road for us, or a fork on the road.

But we won't know that until we face each other again, if that ever happens.

If we never cross paths again...

Thank You

Thank You for loving me. Thank You for hurting me.

Because of You I have learned a little bit more about myself.

I hope I have done the same for you.

I Love You,
Me

Maybe...

Maybe - Kelly Clarkson

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses

When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you

And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

One day
We'll meet again and you'll need me, you'll see me completely
Every little bit
Oh yeah maybe you'll love me, you'll love me then
I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe, maybe,maybe, yeah maybe

I should know better than to touch the fire twice

But I'm thinking maybe, yeah maybe you might

Maybe, love maybe

11 hours to go...

July 16th is nearing... 

It has been quite an emotional day for me. I've distracted myself watching SATC, and of course, just about every episode I've watched has had to something to do with Aiden-Carrie or Mr. Big-Carrie.

As I packed my things this morning, wiping the tears and snot from my face, I realized how my life has somehow come full circle. In a few days, I'll be headed back home. Not home as in a house, but home as in what is familiar to me.

This the right thing to do. And I'm hopeful that when I break the news to that certain someone, he will understand why I'm doing it. I can't be here without him. This was our place. 

Perhaps in time, and with a little bit of faith, my new place, will be our place.

What I want...

Here is a quote from one of the most underrated movie of 2007, and quite possibly this decade. When I first heard the quote, it resonated in such a way, I simply broke down...

"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness in it. "